Reflections on a grey day

At the tail end of March, George called. He told me that he felt his life had been reduced to a frustrating Commodore-64 style text adventure in which he was limited to simple commands: get groceries, use sanitizer, check inventory, sleep. He is riding it out in Western Brooklyn, on the banks of the Gowanus, in the very eye of the storm. The peak would come soon, he’d heard on the news — April 8 or 9.

Those days have come and gone. Have we peaked? Is the worst of it behind New York City, and will the crisis wane from here? All of the language seems to come from mountain climbing: peaks, plateaus, slopes, ascents, crests, spikes. It’s appropriate for an illness that causes oxygen deprivation, but I’m not sure it models our daily reality. From street level, it’s impossible to see the topography of the pandemic. It all looks suspiciously flat. The only thing we have to go on is the numbers, and those numbers have been skewed by inadequate testing.

Nevertheless, we are all anxious to get on with it. We demand a narrative trajectory — not only public officials who’d like to restart the economy, but ordinary people weary of staying inside. By now, we ought to have arrived at a plot point. A peak, if we could find one, would qualify. Communication from authorities have lately been heavy on discussions of peaks: New York has either passed its peak and is on a plateau, or the peak will soon arrive, or the peak is here, but clouds conceal a higher peak somewhere out on the horizon. New Jersey trails New York by a week, unless it’s by more than that, unless you’re in a region of New Jersey that isn’t dominated by commuters. For some of the more anxious among the authorities, talk of a peak is shorthand for the desired quickening of the day when we all return to work. For others, it’s just an expression of good old American impatience.

We feel it. Hilary couldn’t make her annual Easter basket yesterday, which briefly saddened her on a day when we were determined to celebrate. She made do with what we had around the house, decorating the table with paper grass and egg-shaped candles, and surprised me with chocolates that she’d managed to get through the mail. (She also gave me a box of bamboo toothbrushes in various pastel colors.) Over dinner, we talked about walks we’d like to take, and people we’d like to see, and museums we’d like to visit, as if the world we will return to after the storm breaks will be a continuation of the one we knew and loved, rather than a radical break.

Perhaps it will be. Our immense desire to make it so may spur us to make it so. Everybody we know expresses a desire to pick up right where they left off. The trouble is that we left it off in a very dangerous place. The single-minded, self-oriented way we were living made us susceptible to crises like this one. If we want to reclaim any part of what we’ve lost, we’re going to have to be sure that we’ve learned and grown from what we’ve been through. Right now, I’m not too hopeful. We’ve been unable to put together a coordinated national response to the pandemic. Actually, that’s an understatement: we’ve seen states, and cities, and individual households all pulling in different directions, slapping together different remedies, and openly entertaining suspicions about the loyalties and intellectual capabilities of their neighbors. The great swelling of national empathy that happened in the wake of 9/11 hasn’t manifested. There’s been no sign that any of our political wounds have been healed, or even cauterized by the intensity of the crisis.

As some parts of America are shutting down, others are rushing to open back up. Some of these back-to-work plans have been drafted by scientists who’ve turned their trained diagnostic eyes on the peaks and crests. But some of them are, plainly, based on the gut feelings and blind wishcasting of political leaders who are neither doctors nor epidemiologists. We should have been taught a terrible lesson about this. Honestly, we haven’t even had the time to forget the painful lessons we’ve learned, because we’re still learning them, on a daily basis, and not merely in New York and New Jersey. What we don’t know about the coronavirus still towers over what we do know. We’re not sure if people can be reinfected, or if there are long-term consequences to getting sick that will complicate recovery. We don’t know if there are multiple strains of the virus at large, and we don’t know how many people are asymptomatic carriers. Our transmission model is incomplete at best: we can’t even agree if it’s safe to take a walk around the block. In the absence of answers — even provisional ones — reopening anything would be a crazy risk.

Alas, it’s exactly the sort of risk we were taking before the pandemic struck. In order for us to be safe, we need more than an elimination of pathogens and a fresh can of Lysol for our shoes. We need to know that our leaders and our fellow citizens can learn from their mistakes. Otherwise, I fear we’re going to be lost in the mountains for a very long time.

Easter sermon

It was G.K. Chesterton who wrote, with his customary pith, that Christianity was the only religion that had the guts to make God a rebel as well as a king. He was overstating: as a scholar of the Old Testament as well as the New, he knew that Yahweh was as much a temperamental artist as he was a Lord of Hosts. Yahweh chose as his earthly representative a badass in bondage whose first notable act was killing a slavemaster and running to the hills. The older and wiser Moses won’t kiss ass, either. He speaks truth to Pharaoh and becomes the instrument of divine justice against earthly power. There are hero-kings in the Bible, but by and large, they’re screw-ups, too — the amazing second Book of Samuel lays out David’s flaws in some of the most searing language ever put on papyrus.

Somehow, though, Jesus is different.  Jesus isn’t a Robin Hood figure who wins some and loses some. He’s a righteous man who is utterly crushed and humiliated by the authority he defies.  Jesus dies the most shameful death that the Roman Empire knew how to dish out — crucifixion, a punishment reserved for the lowest of criminals.  Worse yet, Jesus dies alone, abandoned by his friends who scatter like squirrels when the boot comes down. Despite all of this, we’re asked to believe that Jesus is victorious. The stone is rolled away, and the tomb is empty. Mark, in his artistic wisdom, doesn’t give us any more than that; the other Gospelers, worried that we’re doubting Thomases, take greater pains to assure us that He is risen. 

This is the essence of the Easter story — one that continues to resonate for readers and listeners, two thousand years after it was first told.  In good times, it’s an indelible narrative. In troubled times, it’s essential, because there’s nobody on Earth for whom it doesn’t become personal. Even the Almighty, we are assured, had his moments of doubt, weakness, and self-pity. Even God was renounced, and despised, and misunderstood.  His scourging and piercing, which is really played up in some of the more graphic Christian traditions, is a brutal but oh-so-effective metaphor for total rejection at the hands of the crowd.  And total rejection, the Gospelers imply, is what life has in store for the man, or woman, who follows his conscience and acts with compassion and humility.  If the Lord himself is incapable of avoiding a scoundrel’s fate at the hands of the powerful, what chance, really, have you?

The Gospels associate Jesus with the lowly. Beggars, prostitutes, foreigners, petty crooks, the destitute, the tired, sick, and weak: this is what his flock looks like. He says so himself — we are judged by how we treat the least among us, not by how we serve the powerful. We modern sinners find it hard to live by these words. We ignore the cries of those in pain, and slam the door on the immigrant, and hoard our wealth, and sneer at the abject, and celebrate the winner and dismiss the loser, and refuse to give a hand to the man who is down, even as we know in what’s left of our hearts that what we’re doing is wrong. The good news for us, today and on all other days, is that Jesus has ransomed our sorry asses. He has, the story says, stood alone, renounced and loathed, and faced his ordeal, and his rejection, without a buffer. In so doing, he provides an example that has stood for millennia: a reminder that we all will face solitary trials, and the righteous man is not the one who bends to the will of the crowd, but the one who keeps his eyes fixed firmly on heaven, no matter what the cost is. Grace is never found in numbers. Only the individual is holy.

As a typical annoying skeptic, I struggle with the supernatural elements of religion. But my faith in the power of literature is absolute. I have two scriptures: the words of the Hebrew masters recorded in the books of the Bible, and the verses of the poets who comprise the canon of hip-hop. I never cease to be astonished by the many ways that these writers, separated by time and culture and technology, always manage to say the same damn thing. On the best song on his best album, the prophet Kendrick Lamar sums up the Easter message in one tight couplet: everybody gon respect the shooter/but the one in front of the gun lives forever. Society will always celebrate strength, and force, and meanness, and domination; popularity will accrue to the brash, the hard-hearted and cruel. But if you’ve got what it takes to be humble, and grateful, and to stand bravely in front of the powerful armed with nothing but your conscience, you get to hold on to your soul. Without a follow, without a mention, the ultimate triumph is yours. 

Playing the odds

There was good reason to have faith in ventilators. They help doctors treat pneumonia, and pneumonia is one of the worst conditions associated with this virus. The ventilator count was a main concerns in March: would we have enough to accommodate all of the people who were bound to develop critical symptoms? Did we have a stockpile that might save lives?

We now know that most of the people put on ventilators because of the coronavirus won’t come off alive. This was dispiriting news to me — I’d hoped, as I’m sure that many did, that the ventilator would prove to be a reliable line of last resort. Enough patients do recover that the ventilator isn’t going anywhere; they’re going to be part of the medical arsenal as long as the virus is with us. But it’s clear that the standard medical protocol is shifting along with the facts, and it’s going to need to shift more before we reach any kind of stability or predictability.

When we go to the doctor, we want a treatment that aligns with our specific physiology and our particular complaint. We’re looking for something bespoke. What I’ve learned the hard way is that medicine doesn’t work like that. Public medicine will not treat me as a unique animal with a singular set of problems. Instead, the doctor thinks about thresholds, benchmarks, and percentages. If seventy five per cent of male humans in my age group respond well to a particular pill, I’m going to get that pill. If the doctor is good, she’ll examine me for signs that might suggest I belong to the other twenty-five per cent. But chances are, the doctors won’t know why the pill doesn’t work for everybody, and given their caseload, they’re not going to take the time to make a pharmaceutical experiment out of me. They’re going to hope that I’m somewhere in the majority and send me home with a prescription.

The call for ventilators is, in part, based on an established benchmark. When blood oxygen drops below a certain level, patients require medical intervention. When that initial intervention doesn’t work, doctors turn to the ventilator. One of the devilish things about the coronavirus is its tendency to depress oxygen to levels that doctors and nurses rarely see — levels that, according to protocol, suggest that intubation is necessary. Yet many of those those patients are still ambulatory, and this may be because their lungs are still capable of processing carbon dioxide. Intubation, I’ve learned, is a serious thing — a patient on a ventilator is essentially knocked out, sometimes for weeks, so that the machine can do his breathing for him. Even in optimal conditions, disconnecting from the device isn’t easy. If some coronavirus patients could be treated with CPAPs or BiPAPs instead, it might not just save time. It could save lives, too.

Because this pathogen is new, doctors have been forced to revise their protocols on the fly. This isn’t something that doctors are good at. For understandable reasons, they like to stick to things that have worked in the past. Learning from precedent and applying those lessons to new cases: that’s how the doctor moves, deliberately and carefully, with a suspicious eye on departures from orthodoxy. Even during desperate hours, they’re unlikely to chuck random medications at patients on a “what have you got to lose” basis — that’s just not how they think. The reason that chloroquine is even part of the conversation is because it was used to treat SARS, which was also caused by a coronavirus. Remdesivir, which is actually an antiviral medication (it was tried, unsuccessfully, against Ebola and Marburg), may appeal to skeptical doctors a little more than plaquenil does. Expect to hear that name a lot in coming days, and avoid the ventilators if you can. I promise to try to stay off of them if you do.

Uncle Joe

If Joe Biden were a candidate for the Presidency of California, he wouldn’t win. Californians, it’s pretty clear, would choose somebody better aligned with their own values. Likewise, if he were running for President of this particular house, internal polls suggest he’d be doomed. We’d pick Hilary, or maybe Isobel the Cat. Joe wouldn’t even be in the conversation. 

But Joe Biden isn’t running for the Presidency of California, or the Harsimus Cove Neighborhood Association, or our living room. He’s running for President of the United States of America, and America, as the Whitney Museum reminded us during its reopening, is hard to see. It’s a big place; its parameters can’t be apprehended from wherever you’re sitting, or by whatever loudmouth you may be following on Twitter. Those who claim to be taking the pulse of America tend instead to be taking the pulses of their friends, or their affinity groups. How could Joe Biden win the primary?, nobody I know likes him; how could good ol’ Uncle Joe not win the primary?, everybody I know loves him, and so on.

It is because America is so hard to see that we have elections in the first place. The political opinions of our neighbors down the block often surprise us; the opinions of our fellow Americans on the wide open plains are entirely inscrutable. All we have to go on is the vote count — and that count demands interpretation in order to be understood. What does a landslide in a rural Texas county tell us about the will of the electorate? Anything? Americans have long rejected the idea of a national primary in the fear that it would benefit people like Biden: those with connections all over the land, formidable name recognition, and a certain anodyne quality designed to placate the anxieties of the masses. We try to do this piecemeal instead; we try to let smaller political units have their idiosyncratic say. As it turned out, that arrangement benefited Joe Biden too. 

I’ve been watching politics for a long time. Maybe I do it to understand my neighbors, and to get some needed insight into a wider society that has never exactly made me feel welcome, and maybe I’m just a masochist; regardless, if there’s an election going on somewhere, I’ll spend some time the next day picking through the results, precinct by precinct. I have never seen anything like Super Tuesday 2020. Joe Biden won in places where he was expected to do well. He won in places where he was widely expected to lose. Biden won in places where he didn’t or couldn’t spend any money, and he won in places were he didn’t even bother to show up. In Massachusetts, where he did not campaign, he beat the sitting senator and a popular senator from a neighboring state. He carried blue-collar towns, minority-majority towns, college towns, factory towns. A few months after he was left for dead on the debate stage after his apparent demolition by Senator Harris — and despite a compromised fundraising effort and half-hearted support at rallies — Uncle Joe thumped the field. That night, he became the presumptive Democratic nominee, even as his rivals were slow to admit it.

How this happened is a matter for closer examination. One popular theory on the Internet is that the vote was rigged in Biden’s favor. This may have been done electronically, or through voter suppression, or unfair mass-media treatment of his rivals, or perhaps through a combination of all three. Even in the best of times, America doesn’t make it easy to vote; tacit disenfranchisement has been a huge problem in our elections, even in places where explicit disenfranchisement isn’t supposed to exist anymore. After every election, there are many anecdotal accounts of voting difficulties, names scratched from rolls, sudden poll closures that feel strategically orchestrated, threats from employers to toe the electoral line, and other pernicious stuff that we all ought to be concerned about if we’re interested in the proper functioning of a democratic system. 

Before we ascribe Biden’s win to treachery, we owe it to ourselves to be honest about the magnitude of the accusation we’re making. We’re talking about a nationwide effort that would have required coordination between hackers, thugs, unscrupulous reporters, and criminal masterminds. Is something like that possible? I’ll wager it is: the interconnectivity of our systems means that widespread manipulation is never out of the question, and our moral bankruptcy means that people in power will always be able to rationalize their actions. There is, however, a more elegant explanation for Biden’s win — one that doesn’t require any conspiracy at all. Joe Biden may just be more popular than we think he is. 

This is not to say that he’s a better candidate than his opponents, or even that he’s a good candidate, period. He may yet turn out to be Mondale II. The epidemic might have jumbled our public priorities; if we re-did the election now, it’s possible that Democratic primary voters would choose somebody else. Or — and this, I believe, is every bit as likely — they might see Biden as a decent steward in troubled times and pick him in bigger numbers than they did on Super Tuesday.

Popularity has never been an index of quality. People regularly flock to dumb stuff. Our insistence on settling disputes about our national direction via all-determining quadrennial beauty pageants strikes me as a weakness of American democracy, not a strength. We ought to be able to devise a better system than this for ascertaining the general will of the country. Nevertheless, this is the machine we’ve built, and we seem determined to run it until the gears fall off.  In February, we turned the cranks and pushed the buttons, and Joe Biden was the name on the slip that came out of the slot. There it is, in permanent marker. It’s not going anywhere.

There are many who will absolutely reject this outcome, no matter what. They’ll insist that the game was unfair, and the bargains were corrupt, and backstabbers played dirty, and there is simply no way that a politician they don’t like could possibly have been more popular than the one they did.  This peculiarly American form of sore loserdom has become a major problem in the 21st century. It’s personified by the chief executive, who cannot ever seem to admit that he could be outvoted about anything, and must invent dark fantasies about undocumented workers bussed across the borders in order to soothe his ego. He is a caricature of a wider national affliction, one driven, perhaps, by the effects of an Internet that we designed, deliberately, to fool us into thinking we’re more significant than we really are. 

I have no idea what sort of President Joe Biden would make. Odds are against us finding out: incumbency is powerful, the poisoned national mood hasn’t changed very much since 2016, and people tend to rally around the chief during crises. Biden does not strike me as a man with the fortitude, ingenuity, or charisma to buck any of those trends. Should he win, my hope is that he will surround himself with people who will take threats to public welfare seriously, and will use the resources of the federal government to identify them early, and head them off before we’re forced to close down the entire world for repairs. I’d hope he’d rebuild some of the scientific agencies and watchdog organizations that the current administration has dismantled for no clear reason. I hope he’ll govern with the compassion and fairness that the office demands of him. No, he wouldn’t have been my choice for President of New Jersey, or of Harsimus Cove, or our house. Nevertheless, I wish him well. Good luck, Uncle Joe. You’re going to need it. We all will.

The screws tighten

Municipal parks have been closed for a long time. Yesterday the Governor announced that state greenspace is out of bounds, too. This is meant to limit congregations of people who might be passing around the pathogen, but it also prohibits us from taking refuge in wide open spaces. Liberty State Park doesn’t tend to be very crowded. For as long as I can remember, it’s been an optimal spot for social distancing. Now it’s off limits.

We still need to get exercise. Last year at this time, we took long walks and tried our luck on the machines at local gyms. We did this no matter how Hilary was feeling: we knew we had to push through the anxiety and the exhaustion to give her body an opportunity to heal itself. But all the gyms have been closed, and the roads aren’t too welcoming. Out on the street, our primary concern is for our neighbors: we want to give them as much space as possible, and that means stopping in our tracks or ducking into a driveway. I suggested a drive to South Mountain and a walk through the woods. We may still do that. Or we might take a bicycle ride — one without a destination.

Discouragement of physical activity comes with its own risks. It isn’t good for people to be sedentary. I’ve tried to do my push-ups and squats right here in our bedroom — there’s even a little wall chart for us to keep track of our progress — but there’s really no substitute for the kind of healthy activities that parks permit. I’ve always argued, hard, against helmet rules for the simple reason that the helmet is a constant reminder of the cyclist’s vulnerability, and thus it makes her disinclined to get on a bicycle. I believe that the safety measure has a suppressive effect on the thing it’s supposed to protect. We’re seeing the same thing happen with antiviral face masks. The mask is message from the wearer to herself that she’s existing in a hostile environment, and her best option for self-preservation is to stay at home where she won’t have to wear one. Every time she passes a masked neighbor, that message is reinforced. Eventually, there’s nobody left on the street.

In early April of the plague year, that may be exactly what we need to do. Allow me, though, to worry about the physical and psychological effects of how we’re living — and whether they’ll be easily reversed when the warnings are lifted (when?). Everybody who lived through 9/11 and its aftermath knows that restrictions, once put in place, don’t budge easily. We get accustomed to altered states with alarming speed. I’m sure you’ve seen efforts to turn the mask into a fashion accessory — masks with messages, or masks made by famous stylists, or masks stitched from cleverly re-purposed materials. It’s all well-meaning, and I appreciate the way in which the homemade mask industry signals that those involved in it are taking the coronavirus seriously and doing what little they can. But it’s still a wide open question whether homemade masks are even capable of blocking this pathogen.

Regardless, by the Governor’s decree, masks are now mandatory in grocery stores. Paranoid though I am, I recognize that this is not an authoritarian plot. I know we don’t have the luxury to play around. By and large, my neighbors realize this, and they’re masking themselves voluntarily. But we’ve learned over the years that authoritarianism never comes from the authorities alone. It is the product of a complex interaction between citizens who prioritize safety and the police, who have to make a judgement about the popular acceptance of every restriction they put in place. Turn the screws too tight, and, inevitably, laws backfire, no matter what the penalties for breaking them are. We don’t know all the ways in which this public health crisis is disturbing the equilibrium between authorities and ordinary citizens, but it’s pretty clear that it’s creating conditions that authoritarians can exploit, and softening our defenses against them.

For now, I recognize that Trenton has a brutal job to do, and limited latitude for doing it. The Governor needs to make life as easy for medical personnel as he can. In response to a stir-crazy public that demands answers, we’re getting projections about peaks: peaks in cases, peaks in deaths, plateaus, surges, waves, various metaphors for inundation and terrifying altitudes. It’s all guesswork. Testing has been sporadic, and official counts are blunt instruments. There’s no way anybody can predict the exact course of the crisis, or the challenges that the next weeks will bring. Clearing the streets and parks is the strategy for today; tomorrow, people may lose their patience and demand a more liberal interpretation of public health and essential services. One of the new restrictions, I notice, bans construction work on residential buildings. Jersey City without residential construction: that’s like Philly without cheese steaks, or Tatooine without moisture farms. All over the neighborhood, I can hear the racket of desperate contractors and their teams. They’re getting in their last hammer blows, their last saw-scrapes, their last blasts of steam from private generators before the padlock clicks shut.

About chloroquine

After her admission to the hospital, my cousin was treated with plaquenil. That’s the trade name for hydroxychloroquine, the milder version of the chloroquine medication that the White House seems determined to make famous. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t asked if she wanted it; she was just given it, in the same way that she was given oxygen and water. If you, God forbid, should find yourself in the hospital tomorrow, you, too, might become acquainted with plaquenil.

Morristown Hospital is not staffed by witch doctors. If they gave my cousin plaquenil, that’s a pretty good indication that belief in its potential usefulness has penetrated the medical mainstream. It is not by nature an antiviral medication — as you probably know, it’s used to treat malaria, lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis. But as I’ve learned over the past two years, drugs often have powerful secondary effects. If one of those incidental effects slows the progression of the respiratory symptoms that accompany the coronavirus, that’d be a wonderful thing.

Yet at the risk of ruining a perfectly good placebo, I admit I’m not sold. This not entirely because of the somewhat unconvincing arguments made by the thoroughly unconvincing people pushing the drug. It’s also because I’ve become painfully familiar with the way that medical trials work, and the evidence that’s required by scientists before a treatment is accepted as justifiable, let alone helpful. Sometimes epidemiologists really do locate a magic bullet — the mold on the bread that becomes the penicillin that stops the bacterium in its tracks. More often, especially with antiviral medications, results are inconclusive, and hyperbole only serves to confuse and disorient the public. Especially in a crisis, the burden of proof always rests on the shoulders of those raising expectations.

The biggest problem with the chloroquine hypothesis isn’t the lack of clinical trials. It’s that an inadvertent test has already occurred. If plaquenil had an ameliorative effect, we’d expect it to protect lupus and arthritis sufferers — those already on chloroquine, in other words — from the effects of the coronavirus. That hasn’t happened. Those on plaquenil are still getting sick. It’s possible that a course of hydroxychloroquine taken upon admittance to the hospital might help a patient who’d never taken the medicine before, but now we’re twisting ourselves into logical pretzels to help the drug that ought to be helping us.

It also isn’t too comforting that nobody can explain what it is about plaquenil that might make it effective against the coronavirus. Some supporters have hazarded guesses that hydroxychloroquine’s suppressive effect on the immune system might calm the cytokine storms — the overactive immune responses, in other words — that do immense damage to human respiratory systems. But hospitalized people are privy to infections. A drug that alters the immune systems of the seriously ill is a tough pill to swallow.

The Kiryas Joel doctor most closely associated with chloroquine likens his protocol, which also includes zinc and an antibiotic, to battlefield medicine: in a warzone, doctors don’t have time to conduct trials, and must rely on their intuitions instead. I understand that, and I can sympathize with his urgency. But I notice that that same doctor was, not so long ago, a crisis minimizer — one of the many pushing those black-letter memes on social media meant to deflect blame for America’s slow response from the current administration. Meaningfully, at least for me, Dr. Fauci has been skeptical about chloroquine, and has thrown cold water on some of the President’s overheated rhetoric. In general, the minimizers have been wrong, and Fauci has been right.

Fauci’s skepticism has gotten him in hot water with the venomous fringe of the administration’s loyalists. Some of them have decided that he’s part of a nebulous plot against chloroquine, and he’s dedicated himself to obstructing the rollout of a medication that he knows is effective. There are those who believe that the coronavirus was cooked up in a lab by 1.) Chinese bio-warriors hellbent on the destruction of America, or 2.) Bill Gates, who is poised to roll out a proprietary vaccine that will be made mandatory by evil governments. If hydroxychloroquine plus zinc plus zithromax is a winning combination, that means Gates is out of luck; therefore he and Fauci and other deep-state operatives are trying to expunge the remedy from popular consciousness.

The people — and there are many of them — who hold these opinions tend to be absolutely certain, so I’m not inclined to try to bring them around. Instead, I’ll just point out that nothing about the coronavirus seems lab-made. It isn’t a combination of known viruses spliced together and artificially forced to mutate. It’s novel, and that’s exactly what makes it so scary. If it’s a bioweapon, it’s a poor one; one that acts randomly, and can’t easily be contained or aimed at enemies, one capable of sending world leaders to the ICU. Its unpredictability belies claims of its human authorship.

I am old enough to remember the early years of the AIDS crisis, and the constant claims of miracle breakthroughs that were about to send HIV into a tailspin. Megadoses of Vitamin C, we were told in the late ’80s, might turn the trick; soon, we could all return to our promiscuous ways. There were reports of drugs in development, pharmaceutical wizardry in the pipeline, palliatives and knockout punches to be delivered. Yet HIV is still with us. Viruses, it turns out, aren’t easy to eliminate. I hope, desperately, that the doctor in Kiryas Joel is right, and his fans in the administration and mass media are justified in their near-superstitious belief in chloroquine, and we can start clearing the pneumonia from the lungs of the sick, and restart American society. A more likely outcome: a class-action suit, right in the laps of the executives at Fox News.

I advance masked

This week, Jersey City reinstated parking regulations. They aim to sweep. More than two weeks of trash — cups, cans, rubber gloves, urban confetti — has collected at curbside. A few days ago, a deliveryman spilled a gallon of milk on the street. Luckily for us, it rained the next day.

The municipal government announced their intentions by tweet. Not everybody on my block got the message. By the time the sweeper came through in the afternoon, only half of the cars had moved. Ticketing would have been a cruel thing to do. I’m glad they refrained. We’ll try again today.

Hilary was one of those who listened and complied. She’d moved her little green car from the south side of the street to the north on Sunday, and moved it back on Monday. I came along for the joyride. It was a beautiful day, and I suggested we proceed to Mexico City, or perhaps Antarctica. Reasonably, Hilary wanted to stick closer to home. We decided to take a short walk in the neighborhood.

Agitation ruled the day. Three quarters of the people we passed were thoroughly masked, heads down, trying to get to their destinations as quickly as possible. Many of them carried grocery bags. The other quarter consisted of people blowing off frustrations, riding dirt bikes on the sidewalk, or accompanying children on hoverboards, meeting bad air with bravado. In teams, construction workers continue to apply themselves to private projects. The modern Jersey City Downtown was built on a condominium boom. Long ago, the municipal government designated this the most essential of local activities, and they’re not changing their tunes now.

We came home to the news that we’d lost a City Councilman. Michael Yun was a good-government type — he was the closest thing that reform organizations had to a sympathetic ear. He was also, as many of the online postmortems noted, among the best-dressed politicians in Jersey City. This was not immaterial. It reflected his attention to detail and his disinclination to tolerate sloppiness of any kind. Yun was a scourge of litterbugs. The half-hearted attempt to clean the streets yesterday felt like a tribute of sorts, albeit one done, in typical Jersey City style, in incomplete fashion.

Yun, who was 65, was an immigrant from Korea who ran the Garden State News store on Central Avenue in the Heights for decades. This, I was told as a child, was the very promise of America: unlike other countries where outsiders were unwelcomed, we took in those who wanted to be part of our experiment. If they dedicated themselves to the polis, they might even become leaders. That version of America might have always been mostly aspirational, but it existed, and it was meaningful to me. I don’t know where it went. Regardless, I’ll try to stay true to it. Also, I’ll try to keep the street clean for the Councilman. Rest in peace.

The Ministry of Guesswork

Johns Hopkins University concedes something that we’ve all suspected: we’ve undercounted virus-related deaths. People with familiar symptoms have died in places where testing has been inadequate or nonexistent. People have died in places where the testing has been available, but they haven’t been screened, and during a shortage, there’s no sense in using a diagnostic tool on somebody who can’t be saved. Hospitals noted a spike in cases of pneumonia in February and early March. We may never know how many of those patients were suffering from the effects of exposure to the coronavirus.

At the same time, the CDC suggests that a substantial percentage of carriers of the virus are asymptomatic and will remain so. In Iceland, where testing was done much more assiduously than in America, epidemiologists determined that half of those who contracted the virus did not get sick. Given the patchwork application of social distancing measures nationwide, its a pretty safe bet that a lot of Americans are walking around with the coronavirus and don’t know it.

I’d like to say that I hope they never know it, but what I really mean is that I hope they never develop symptoms. During an outbreak of a communicable disease — three times as infectious as the flu, according to a tenuous consensus that’s emerging — having an accurate count is everything. More than a month after the first death, we’re still struggling with basic numerators and denominators. We don’t know how lethal the coronavirus is. We don’t even have a clear sense of where the hotspots are. There’s good evidence that suggests that clusters exist, or have existed, in parts of the country where testing is scant and denialism is rampant. For years, we’ve taken it for granted that Big Brother is peering into our underwear drawer via the Internet and building comprehensive demographic and psychographic profiles of each of us. When we actually need some Big Data, it’s nowhere to be found.

Dark ages don’t happen because people are incapable of discernment. They happen because human beings decide, collectively, that they’d rather not know things than know things. Sometimes powerful people cloud our vision in order to obscure their misdeeds, or their incompetence. Sometimes ordinary people decide that clarification threatens cherished misapprehensions — blind faith in an institution, say, or a particular leader. There are practical (albeit pernicious) political reasons to minimize what we’re going through, and for the past two months, undercounting has been a powerful tool in the hands of the darkness-spreaders. Strategic ignorance is dangerous for the same reason novel viruses are dangerous: it has a terrible tendency to get out of control. It’s loose in the general population, and it’s spreading like an overturned bottle of ink.


The guardian

Always ready.

This is Wilson.

We met Wilson on the street. He was alone, flung from a stroller perhaps, right in the middle of the sidewalk. I’m sure he wouldn’t admit it now, but he looked bewildered. You would be, too, if you were fallen and unclaimed. You might wonder a bit about what the future might bring.

Hilary had just completed a long course of radiation, and she’d begun oral chemotherapy. The treatments made her tired. She liked to push through it and take walks anyway. She’d been warned by the doctors not to pick up objects on the street. So after she dusted Wilson off and placed him up on the fence so that anybody looking for him could see him, she hand-sanitized.

The next day we had an appointment with the oncologist. We spent the evening in the city and returned home exhausted. Hilary slept in, or tried to. The drugs gave her intense physical sensations that she found difficult to describe. She didn’t feel up to a walk. I decided to go to the store and get her a few things she wanted.

On the way back from the grocery, I passed by the spot where we’d walked two days prior. To my surprise, there was Wilson, still on the fence, still staring out toward the street. I admitted that I’d quite forgotten about him. We fell into conversation. Wilson asked if I was in need of a quality guard dog. I told him that I would consider it. Overhead, the skies were darkening. It was going to rain. I went home.

Later that day, Hilary steadied herself and got up. She folded the laundry and read her book, and made something to eat. She checked in with the hospital and filled out their daily survey. Then she opened the door. There in the hall was Wilson. He was reporting for duty.

As guard dogs sometimes do, he’d gone ahead and assigned himself a tough case. Using context clues, he’d determined to his own satisfaction that his talents were required here. We invited him in. We were both a little too wiped out and worried that day to be effusive, but I recall that we were overjoyed to see his fuzzy face.

We initially feared that a watchdog, squared away and regular as they are, would have a hard time acclimating to our peculiarities. I am sure that Wilson found us eccentric at first. But if he was never a full participant, he soon he became an enthusiastic observer of our customary fun and games. He quickly realized that he’d committed to guarding a house where playful activity was the rule, and as such, he was here to guard us as we played, and make sure we were always as safe as we could be under the circumstances.

Wilson has now been with us for over a year. He has had work to do, hard, scary work. But he has never once complained or shirked his responsibilities. He was the first one to greet Hilary after her second surgery, up on the hospital tray table, examining her for signs of distress. He was there through the convalescence, presiding over the medications, making sure we never took too much or too little, always as exact and precise as we needed him to be. He has peeked between the straps of Hilary’s bag during every doctor’s appointment, and listened carefully to each recommendation, even at times when we’ve both been too tired, confused, and apprehensive to pay close attention. Wilson has watched over us during many sleepless nights when comfort has been hard to find. When I have been frightened and helpless and ready to give up, he gives me a hard stare, and I catch myself, and I find my footing, and I carry on.

I recently asked Wilson whether he could ever have expected that our recovery would be interrupted by a pandemic. I meant it as a kind of joke, bleak humor to break the tension. But Wilson, true to form, told me that a guardian takes all threats, small and large, as seriously as conditions warrant. The world, he tells us, is always changing; it has sharp edges, and a good guard dog must stand ready to blunt each one of them as they approach. Right now, as I type this, Wilson is on duty. Hilary is baking a banana bread. He’ll watch out for the peels.

It is not in the nature of guard dogs to seek publicity. They do what they do because of who they are, not because they expect a reward. If Wilson knew I was writing this, I think he’d be awfully embarrassed. But our watchdog has reinforced the lessons that tweepop taught me long ago: tenacity is never a matter of physical strength, and guardianship of that which is precious is always worthwhile. When they have to be, the plush are often the most ferocious. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the… well, you know the rest.

The vigilance of our guard dog has been unwavering. His comradeship has been indispensable. We are grateful for our good fortune. We’re so glad he found us.

Thank you, Wilson.

Red herrings

At 5 p.m. yesterday, Hilary began to cough. She couldn’t stop herself. The fit didn’t last long — maybe five minutes at the most. She had no fever or aches. After some water, a cough drop, and some work on our puzzle, the tickle in her throat went away. She didn’t cough again for the rest of the night.

In acute crises, I’ve learned, time slows down. The precise dimensions of every second become palpable. Their total contents are revealed to you all at once, like an upturned drawer. March ’20 might feel to you like the longest month you’ve ever lived through. If it does, you probably know what I’m talking about. The goal of each minute becomes reaching the next. It’s no way to exist. Sometimes free spirits will talk glowingly about living in the moment, with no sense of history or consequence. Our cancer experience has taught us is that this is baloney. I know what the moment feels like. Life lived in the moment is shallow and scary. The only comfort is faith in a future, bright and beautiful, scrolling out before us like a golden road.

One of Hilary’s medications makes her sniffly. This has been going on for a many months, but it takes on a different meaning in the midst of a respiratory pandemic. Cold and dreary weather exacerbates the problem, and look at us, shivering through the damp start of another April. As the month goes on, I know my allergies will accelerate. Beyond the usual psychosomatic obstructions, my breathing is fine, but soon enough I’m going to start feeling wheezy. My pollen allergies are so bad that they’ll sometimes cause me to run a fever. Each May, I’ll spend about a week trying to figure out whether I’ve got the flu or if it’s just the usual. With stakes as high as they are, how will I differentiate between allergy attacks and symptoms that might be indicative of something more dreadful?

Last night I lay awake for hours, conscious of the rhythm of Hilary’s breathing. I didn’t feel particularly scared, but I felt conscious that each one of those breaths were precious, and I tried to align myself with their sacred rhythm. Thank God for every breath you blow, Stuart Murdoch tells us, and often I do — but if you never take your next heartbeat for granted, it’s going to be hard to get any shuteye.

When I did get to sleep, I dreamt about John Prine, indirectly, but meaningfully. We were at Madison Square Garden for a concert. A shaken Miranda Lambert came onstage, did a few Prine songs, apologized to the crowd for crying. She didn’t want to show us that she, too, was afraid. Suddenly I realized that I was putting Hilary in jeopardy by bringing her to an arena. My uncle, who is an ophthalmologist and has always represented New York City to me, appeared in the corridor and announced an evacuation order for the building. We found a side elevator and hurried out to 33rd Street. I was desperate, breathless, plotting our route home when I opened my eyes to daylight.

The good news is that my cousin is finally home from the hospital. Her discharge took awhile. It is one of the cruelties of this virus that it refuses to resolve in a predictable fashion — one day you think you’re getting better, the next, symptoms return with new ferocity. We choose to believe she’s off the rollercoaster at last. Her appetite has returned and her daughters are delighted. They’ve gotten to the other side of the ordeal, and our hope is that she’s now the possessor of antigens that will ward off further trouble.

The more upsetting development is that my sister has a toothache. She contacted the family dentist this morning, and he was disinclined to see her: he’s clearly just as frightened of getting the virus as he is of transmitting it. If she continues to feel pain, they’ll both have to risk it. I know I have major dental work that needs to be done. Right now, I’m asymptomatic. At any moment, things could go south. For my own health, and the sanity of those around me, I need to forget about that. I need to reclaim a sense of the future. I need to bring back tomorrow.