(Daytime, and the rain is still falling. The interior of GILLIGAN's apartment looks humid, and grungy.)

(A blast of vivacious classical music is heard. Andrew is having his morning cupee of Kaff over the antiseptic tones of Federal Broadcast Radio.)

GRUELLING ARYAN VOICEOVER

(After the "piece" has petered out.) Good, fresh morning! You're listening to Clear Heads, on Federal Broadcast Radio.

WELL-WASHED ETHNIC VOICEOVER

Member supported FBR is made possible by contributions from highbrow sponsors like you.

HOWIE

Nine sixteen and forty two seconds and rainy in Times Square, and we're chatting about the brain-sucking virus with Dr. Philibus Kevorkiak, professor emeritus at Kauffman College. Professor, we're all very educated here, but really, really still don't know what we're up against, do we?

PHILIBUS

Oh, Howie, the brain-sucking virus is very cagey. Very tricky. The bowdy has natural border, natural barriers. What the bad potapenko does, is it convinces the bowdy that it is friendly, when really it is a fiend.

HOWIE

What does it do then?

PHILIBUS

Then it sets up shop in the bowdy, and goes to war on the white blood cells.

HOWIE

(Displaying his immense intelligence.) But isn't it true, Dr. Philibus, that the bowdy's white blood cell is packed with neutrinos, with boosters that support endocrine supplementation?

PHILIBUS

(After a pause.) I got no idea what you're talking about.

HOWIE

Let me put it to you this way, doctor, if I may call you that, in terms of bowdy supplementation and overall health, the white blood cell is one tough customer.

PHILIBUS

Yeah, Howie, in a fair fight, the human white blood cell is nobody's lunch meat. But this bad potapenko, it doesn't fight fair. It uses a DNA transcription to copy the characteristics of the white cell, and then it gets up real close, and fools the white cell into copying the bad characteristics.

HOWIE

So it corrupts the white blood cell.

PHILIBUS

Exactly. It is more a guerrilla war, a propaganda war, than an old style European war.

HOWIE

The old time European war is an anachronism, Dr. Philibus.

PHILIBUS

Yeah, let's... but that wasn't what I was talking about.

HOWIE

I beg your pardon. Please go on.

PHILIBUS

(Clearing his throat.) Okay. Well, once it starts converting, turning the other brain cells into replicas of itself, the whole brain starts resembling a grey, muddy, mushy ball of slime. It is like having a mush slurpee inside your skull. But it doesn't stop there.

HOWIE

Fascinating stuff.

PHILIBUS

First, you think you got a runny nose and watery eyes. But really, it is your liquified brain, leaking out of the holes in your face. It begins to dribble out of the eyes, ears, nostrils, even the pores. A continuous flow of gushy mush.

HOWIE

And that would indicate the presence of retrovir boosters in the phaging t-cell.

PHILIBUS

(Unsure.) In a manner of speaking.

HOWIE

We like to keep it scientific here. Now, then, doctor, what's the grisliest, most disgusting thing you've seen?

(Andrew is only half-listening. He's got a big match to prepare for, and he sits at his chess table, strategizing over moves. But then the buzzer rings.)

(Forgetting about the radio, he walks over to the door. He looks through the peephole, and then undoes the lock.)

(It's Andrew's AUNT SHEULIE, an attractive and very Jewish woman in her early forties. She is radiant with intelligent charisma and a definitive sense of well-being. She carries a large brown paper bag.)

AUNT SHEULIE

Andrew! I brought you a bag of groceries.

GILLIGAN

(Taking the bag from her hands, with no small amount of guilt.) Hi, Aunt Sheulie, um, thanks.

AUNT SHEULIE

I get so worried about you living out here, so far from the Stop & Shop, you got nothing to eat, you must be living on...

(Gesturing toward the radio.)

What the hell are they talking about?

GILLIGAN

Oh... oh! I'm, let me turn that down.

(He does.)

AUNT SHEULIE

So tell me what is new, are you nervous? You look nervous, you need a haircut.

GILLIGAN

I'm, like, I had some really weird dreams last night.

AUNT SHEULIE

You know how you sometimes have mints?

GILLIGAN

I, no, no I'm sorry, I haven't got any mints. Today.

AUNT SHEULIE

Oh.

(Unpacking groceries, and extending a box of crackers.)

I always forget if you like poppy seeds or no poppy seeds. Do you like poppy seeds or no poppy seeds?

GILLIGAN

No poppy seeds.

AUNT SHEULIE

Oooh. I got poppy seeds.

GILLIGAN

(Frustrated.) It's okay.

AUNT SHEULIE

Andrew. Why do you snap at your aunt like that, trying to do something nice for you?

GILLIGAN

Oh, I'm, I'm really sorry.

AUNT SHEULIE

(Opening the box of crackers herself.) Someday, you're going to really tee someone off, and they you'll be left all alone. Nobody will want to do anything nice for you.

GILLIGAN

I'm sorry. I'm just, I got a big match coming up this weekend, and it's making me --

AUNT SHEULIE

Oh, I know you'll do great. You always do great. You always make us so proud of you.

GILLIGAN

Aunt Sheulie, can I ask you a question?

AUNT SHEULIE

Of course, baby.

GILLIGAN

My father, was he French?

AUNT SHEULIE

(After a pause.) French? That guy, I don't know what he was, no, Andrew, he was Jewish, don't you know?

GILLIGAN

Well, there's lots of Jews in France.

AUNT SHEULIE

Sure there are. There's lots of Jews everyplace. Look, don't worry about your father, c'mon. Let's go to Schnackenbergs and split an omelette, what do you say?

GILLIGAN

I, can't, I mean, I'd love to, but I can't.

AUNT SHEULIE

Why?

GILLIGAN

I promised somebody I'd take him apartment hunting.

(Quizzical pause.)

A friend.

(Christopher Columbus Avenue in a steady rain. It's a long, wide, desolate stretch of macadam and vacant lots bisecting the Downtown area and dividing Van Vorst from the row houses of Hamilton Park and the potholed no-man's land marking the southern border of Hoboken. Daylight filters meekly through dark clouds, but nobody's walking on the street except Andrew and PHINEAS.)

(The only sign of life, besides a few upturned trash cans and forlorn, abandoned shopping carts, is the plaintive cry of a wet bum, who shakes a cup full of change in time with her mantra.)

BUM

(Rhythmic and unrelenting.) Spare a quarter spare some change spare a quarter. Spare a quarter spare some change spare a dollar. Spare a quarter spare some change spare a quarter.

(And so on and so on.)

(A wet Andrew struggles to get under PHINEAS's enormous umbrella. PHINEAS performs evasive action to keep poor GILLIGAN in the rain. It's a big enough umbrella, but it's always he that ends up getting wet.)

PHINEAS

Quit crowding me!

GILLIGAN

Crowding? I'm getting soaked! Can't you --

PHINEAS

(Dodging adroitly, keeping a step ahead.) Yes, and now you're like getting me soaked. And you look like hell.

GILLIGAN

Oh, thanks. Thanks. Cut it out! I'm getting soaked.

(Reluctantly, PHINEAS stops and allows GILLIGAN to share his brolly. They walk a few paces in a herky-jerky manner, with GILLIGAN struggling to keep his head under cover. Finally, GILLIGAN grabs the handle of the brolly to steady it.)

PHINEAS

Eeew! What are you doing?

GILLIGAN

Trying not to get, trying not to --

PHINEAS

Are you, like, trying to hold my hand?

GILLIGAN

No!

PHINEAS

And stop getting so close to me. People are going to see us and think we're together.

GILLIGAN

What?!? What people? There are no people out today!

BUM

(Who breaks off her chanting for a second.) Are you two a gay couple? I think that's so sweet.

PHINEAS

No! No!

GILLIGAN

No, really, we're --

BUM

It's so cute the way you lovebirds are sharing your umbrella.

(PHINEAS jerks the umbrella away from Andrew, who is left standing in the rain.)

GILLIGAN

(To the bum.) Look what you did! Now I'm --

BUM

Oh, don't be embarrassed. I don't care what type person you are, it's all the same to me. I don't care if you're straight, gay, white, black, green with polka dots.

GILLIGAN

(Fishing in his pants pocket for change, which he drops into her cup.) Here, here now --

BUM

(Following them.) I think a gay person is just as good as a regular person. Why not?

PHINEAS

Go away! Shoo!

BUM

I think you're just as good as a regular person. Me, personally, I don't care at all. I like to see nice gay couples. (She follows along with them, as they try to ignore her.) The important thing is that you love somebody. There's not enough love. I say, let 'em marry. Why not? What I don't like is the Chinese people with their ching chong chow. There's a lot --

PHINEAS

(Sharply.) Can you, like, take your bigoted opinions elsewhere? Can you, like, return to the trash heap that you came from?

BUM

(After a pause.) Fuck you! (Howling.) Fuck youuu, mister!

(Bellowing, rooted to the spot, as GILLIGAN and PHINEAS hurry away.)

Don't leave me?!?! You're just like Myron!!

GILLIGAN

(To PHINEAS, very wet.) Can I, just, duck under --

PHINEAS

(Incensed.) Don't even think about it.

 

 

(The hallway of a disgusting apartment building. The stairway is littered with beer cans, used tissue paper, condoms, and various pieces of urban detritus. A rusted bicycle leans against a wall covered with incomprehensible graffiti. Water spatters down from a leak in the ceiling.)

(PHINEAS and ANDREW emerge from a rusty door. PHINEAS has a look of pure revulsion on his face. Guess he didn't much like the apartment.)

(Music blares from a pitch-black open doorway directly across the corridor. It's some of that hyperactive, European stuff with rolling drums, aggressive synths, and godawful rapping.)

THE PROGENY

I wash and wash, but I don't come cleeeeeean!!

I wash and wash, but I don't come cleeeeeean!!

(Euro rapper.)

I can't get the black dirt off me

It's caked on like glue to my bow-dy

I spray under my arms with disinfectant cleaner

Shave my hair so I feel leaner

Still I am covered in greasy sli-yime

I try to wash it off all of the ti-yime

Scour my bow-dy with a wire brush

Tried eating boric acid and such

(Breakdown.)

Still the grit clings on to my rectum

It's all black

Where's the rest of the spectrum?

(Chorus.)

I wash and wash, but I don't come cleeeeeean!!

I wash and wash, but I don't come cleeeeeean!!

(Second verse, same as the first.)

I shake your hand to say hello to you

Now you're covered in dogshit, too

You spread the scum all over the globe

Saturates everybody's frontal lobe

Dirt and grease, smoke and coal

I feel like shit in the toilet bowl

Wash your face with a blowgun dart

Before you let the meltdown start

(Everybody!)

I wash and wash, but I don't come cleeeeeean!!

I wash and wash, but I don't come cleeeeeean!!

(Call and response.)

Wire brush

To the face

Wire brush

Across your toes

Wire brush

Between the fingers

Wire brush

Up your nose....

 

(Andrew and PHINEAS, both of whom favor the more traditional sounds of sensitive seventies folksingers, are hardly paying attention. Instead, they're at each other.)

PHINEAS

Disgusting! That was, like, completely vile? I'm not going to be able to eat for days.

GILLIGAN

I'm, I'm trying my best for you.

PHINEAS

(Starting to hurry down the steps.) I don't know what I'm going to do. How can anybody bear to live in this pest-hole of a city?

GILLIGAN

(Blocking his egress.) Hey, wait a second. Lots of parts of Jersey City are nice.

PHINEAS

What parts? What parts?

GILLIGAN

Well, Grove Street, for example, is all fixed up. Don't you like Grove Street?

PHINEAS

Oh yes, of course, Grove Street, that's like a real Champs D'Elysses. Will you let me --

GILLIGAN

Wait a second, why don't you think Grove Street is nice, why --

PHINEAS

(Hands on his hips.) It's a pest-hole, like the rest of this pest-hole city, everything looks like a converted bordega?, dirty, insane people like, accost me on the street, I have to get out of here, while I still --

GILLIGAN

Well, maybe we, in Jersey City, don't want you here, did you ever think of that?

PHINEAS

Yes, as a matter of fact, I've been thinking it for, like, the past three hours, why don't you scumbags keep your scumbag city to yourselves.

GILLIGAN

Oh, me? I'm a scumbag?

PHINEAS

Yes, yes you are! You think that just because you're like, a champion of something, you can walk around all wet and disgusting, and hairy, and unshaven, and use foul language, and look like that.

GILLIGAN

I look like this because you wouldn't share your umbrella, you --

PHINEAS

I know all about you, Andrew Gilligan. Luxottica told me all about you. You're, like, the worst kind of successful person, you think it gives you carte blants to walk around like a bum al day, and like, have no class.

GILLIGAN

Wai, wha, successful person?

PHINEAS

You, you think that class is something that you can, like, buy with all your money, or, like, with your trophies. But it's not. It's like something totally else, that you could never, ever have, because look at you, you're such the ugly American.

GILLIGAN

Well, I, ha!, the joke's on you, because I'm not even American!

(PHINEAS crosses his arms.)

I'm French.

PHINEAS

(Incredulous!) Oh, you are not!

GILLIGAN

Am too! It's, you know, Gilligan is a totally, noble French name. My father, he was --

(A young punker appears in the open doorway. He is dressed in black, and is very muscular. He looks intense and irate. On his forehead, the word "Fist" has been written in black magic marker.)

PUNKER

You two are being loud out here. You're bothering me.

GILLIGAN

I'm, I'm, I --

PHINEAS

You're, like, the one who's playing his stereo at about a million decibels.

PUNKER

Okay I am trying to have a complete listening experience of the music of my choice. Your squabbling interferes with my ability to actualize my short-term goals. Look I don't know what you two preppies do, but I am a creative person. I am attempting to concentrate on this piece of music so I can later compose my response to it in my own medium, which is rock and roll music.

(He points to his head.)

I put music in, see, and then later, what comes out, is the combination of it and what is already in there. But now your conversation about who is French and who is not French is in there too. That makes me very angry. Your conversation about who is high class and who is low class is wrecking my experience and making it impossible for me to actualize my short and long term goals. Conversations like that do not interest me.

GILLIGAN

Okay, well, we'll go outside.

(Back on the street. It's not coming down that hard anymore, but PHINEAS seems willing to share his brolly with Andrew now, who walks to his immediate right. But who's that to Andrew's right? A familiar face?)

PHINEAS

So are you really from France?

RABINOWITZ

(Talking into GILLIGAN's right ear.) But of course.

GILLIGAN

(To PHINEAS.) But of course.

PHINEAS

I would positively die to be in Paris right now.

RABINOWITZ

(To GILLIGAN.) Par-ee ees beautiful in ze spring.

GILLIGAN

Paris is beautiful in the spring.

PHINEAS

I've heard that. Oh, I totally must go to France. It's, like, so my destiny.

RABINOWITZ

(To GILLIGAN.) Aaah, yes, I can see you zere. Strolling along ze Seine...

PHINEAS

Can you really? Wow, thanks. Where in, like, France are you from?

RABINOWITZ

(Into GILLIGAN's ear.) Mon pere has a manse in Provence.

GILLIGAN

Mon pere has --

(Turning to RABINOWITZ.)

A what?

RABINOWITZ

(Through clenched teeth.) A manse in Provence.

GILLIGAN

(To PHINEAS.) A manse in Provence. Mon pere has a manse in Provence.

PHINEAS

Wow... Provence. (Giggles.) I kind of don't klnow that much about France. But I totally, totally love France. Where in France is Provence?

RABINOWITZ

Provence ees een Greater France.

GILLIGAN

(Matter-of-factly.) It's in Greater France.

PHINEAS

Andrew, I'm sorry about the things I said about you before. When I said you had, like, no class?, or culture? I, like, had you totally wrong.

GILLIGAN

(Graciously.) Eet ees nossing.

(RABINOWITZ is visibly impressed.)

(A young lad, racing like the wind, turns a corner and grabs GILLIGAN. It's BHOPAL. Guy de Maupassant RABINOWITZ disappears.)

BHOPAL

Andrew, Andrew! Come quickly!

GILLIGAN

What's wrong?

BHOPAL

I have been looking all over for you.

GILLIGAN

Okay, okay.

BHOPAL

He's here, Andrew. He's at the Chew-Z Cafe, and he is looking for you. Are you ready? I hope you are ready.

GILLIGAN

(Steeling himself.) I'm ready.

BHOPAL

There are whispers in the chess club. They are saying you cannot take Oliver Klozov.

GILLIGAN

I can take Oliver Klozov.

 

 

Go on to Fit #4.

Return to Fit #2.