The Tris McCall Report
Critics Poll 2003 -- Your Miscellany
Best album title:
In keeping with the somber tone of this year's champ, Critics Poll respondents rewarded depressing and self-deprecating titles. The scathing-but-obvious Hail To The Thief was favored by many, but others contributed such downers as Soundtrack Of A Man Who Will Never Amount To Anything (Violet), Wherever I Am I Am What Is Missing (Laika), Logic Will Break Your Heart (The Stills) and The Psychopathology Of Everyday Life (King Missile). Steven Matrick voted for ...if he is Protecting Our Nation, Who Will Protect Big Oil, Our Children?, which is, of course, Of Montreal-ese for "Hail To The Thief". Comic titles, usually so popular in this category, were few and far between -- Fatherfucker by Peaches might qualify, but then again, maybe it doesn't. My favorite contribution, courtesy of Zach Lipez, a man who knows these things: New Terror Class's Did You Hear That We Fucked? Now that's more like it.
Best album cover:
Cartoons were in this year: not the Marvel superhero stuff, though, but childlike, two-dimensional covers suggesting childrens' book illustrations. Chutes Too Narrow and Quebec by Ween were popular choices, and both clearly connote the insular, self-contained, and nostalgic vibe of the music. Other choice illustrations kept the storybook quality but felt more young-adult novel than Parker Brothers: Pinataland's Songs For The Forgotten Future and How I Learned To Write Backwards by the Aislers Set both sport well-crafted, lightly shaded covers reminiscent of junior grade sci-fi or fantasy. Critics Poll voters continued to soundly reject sex-sell album art. Mike Cimicata did vote for Puffyamiyumi's super-cute Nice., but it's the exception that proves the rule: those women are essentially cartoons. Not that I'm complaining.
Biggest disappointment:
The first of several negative categories won resoundingly by The Strokes. It's still worth pointing out that all of those voters who were disappointed by Room On Fire were Jerseyans. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were also the recipients of some Garden State disappointment, as were Interpol and Stellastarr*. Sensing a trend? We're tough on hype, and we tend to spit in the direction of the Manhattan media spotlight.
Most welcome surprise:
Several votes here by come-latelies to Outkast nation, and a few others who confessed they found Liz Phair enjoyable despite its horrid notices. David Poe interpreted the question more broadly, and entered Howard Dean as his answer. This was before the infamous itinerary speech; let's hope Poe has stuck to his guns.
Worst song of the year:
As I mentioned yesterday, "Hey Ya!" received support on a preposterous 46 of the 65 ballots submitted. Inescapable, "Hey Ya!" also became the plurality choice for worst song -- although several of those condemning the single were mainly annoyed by its irritating catchiness and ubiquity. Train's innocuous "Calling All Angels" was also slammed by many, but the most venomous responses were saved for Evanescence & Paul McCoy. "Listening to 'Bring Me To Life'", said Jean Kelleher, "is like being stuck at a Renaissance fair with a frat thug". Hey, I just thought it was nice to hear a woman's voice on modern rock radio.
Best singer:
A few votes here for Karen O, a few there for Jack White, a couple for Lucinda Williams, at least one for Dar Williams, but none for Bernie Williams.
Best rapper:
As much as I kid around about having the answer key, I don't really think there are any correct answers for these questions; musical taste is thoroughly subjective, and no matter how passionately we advocate our favorites, we can all concur that "good" and "bad" music is culturally designated. Yet there are some answers that are factually incorrect. If I voted for myself for best tuba player, that would be wrong; not because I am an arrogant bastard, but because I do not know how to play the tuba. It's not too much of a stretch to say that in order to win a category like "best rapper", you really ought to have done some rapping. Now, Andre Benjamin does emcee a little bit on The Love Below, and I think there's a good case to be made that his performance on "Life In The Day Of Benjamin Andre" is remarkable enough to overshadow the seventy minutes of tuneless crooning and hollering that precedes it. But I somehow doubt that the substantial number of Critics Poll participants who voted for Andre 3000 in this category are basing their assessment on "Life In The Day". No, I think Critics Poll voters are responding to "Hey Ya!" and "Hey Ya!" alone, and we're registering it as a rap song in spite of the fact that there's no rapping in it. In so doing, we're putting rap music under serious erasure -- what we're saying, essentially, is "emcees no longer have to rap to be considered quality rappers, in fact, emcees who do not rap will be rewarded for sparing us the displeasure of having to listen to rap."
Song that got stuck in your head the most:
Unsurprisingly, those who were tormented by "Hey Ya!" found that the song seeped into their consciousness; several voters who named the Benjamin single the worst of the year also entered it for this category. In general, the Outkast lived up to their reputation as a maddeningly catchy act -- Tom Snow nominated Patton's maniacal "GhettoMusick", while Michael Liska cast his ballot for "some fucking Outkast song that goes 'I know you like to think your shit don't stink, but lean a little bit closer girl, roses really smell like poo-oo-oo!'" It's called "Roses", Michael, and yes, it's addictive. I did think the New Pornographers would do a little better in this category, considering all the Top Ten votes they received, but I suppose nobody else had the same, er, problem with "From Blown Speakers" that I did. Best (or most painfully honest) answer came from Vicki Hippel: the McDonald's "I'm Luvin' It" commercial.
Group you don't know, but you know you should:
"I know 'em all", says Joe Margetts. Quite possibly he does; he was our only U.K. voter, and I've heard the school system is different over there. Back in the U.S.A., we struggle with educational standards; several of you confessed ignorance of Belle & Sebastian. Tip: no matter what the record guides tell you, don't start with The Boy With The Arab Strap.
Album that wore out the quickest:
Brian Block "buys waaaay too many albums to face that problem", but Jersey rockers on tight budgets weren't through punishing Room On Fire. Again, Garden State voters ganged up on New York City favorites, tacitly accusing The Strokes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and Interpol of disposability. Jay Dodds, however, spun the question to make it a positive category, and lended approbation to every Jerseyan's favorite New York buzz band: "if 'wore out' means listened too much for the disc to play properly, then it's The Realistics' Go Ahead".
Album that felt most like an obligation to get through:
No real consensus. Two votes apiece for Elephant, Hail To The Thief, Ryan Adams; three for Elvis Costello's admittedly perplexing North. Costello does inspire the kind of devotion that compels his fan base to stick with him through his arduous excursions through genre exercises, but it's a little early for Ryan Adams or The White Stripes to have earned that level of trust from listeners.
Song that would drive you craziest on infinite repeat:
Considerable support here for the relentless "Get Low", and for good reason; by the fiftieth consecutive time you've heard Lil' Jon scream about the sweat running down his balls, you'd probably be clawing out your eyes. I generally mean to confine answers to songs released in 2003, but Jeffrey Jotz voted for "Dominick The Christmas Donkey", and that is so manifestly the correct answer to this question that I have to give him props.
Most overrated artist:
Close three-way contest between The Outkast (suspiciously deemed overrated even by "Hey Ya!" voters), the Stripes, and 50 Cent. The first two reaped considerable love elsewhere on the poll, but besides substantial support for "In Da Club", 50 is mentioned nowhere else but here. That's a shame. Without giving away too much of my own poll -- which will hopefully be posted tomorrow -- I consider 50 Cent about as critically underrated as a zillion-selling artist can be. Consider: Eminem has always done well on this poll, breaking into the top ten with all three of his releases. 50 Cent's Get Rich Or Die Tryin' uses many of the same production teams, and Eminem guests on a couple of tracks. Yet while The Eminem Show was uneven and spotty in places, Get Rich Or Die Tryin' boasts a remarkable level of consistency for a current hip-hop album. 50 Cent isn't quite as committed to foregrounding his cleverness as Mathers is, but it's still hard to argue that he's in any way an inferior emcee. His album contains at least three ("In Da Club", "P.I.M.P.", "Wanksta") and possibly four of the tightest radio singles of the year, and those aren't even the best songs on it. I acknowledge that 50's perspective and stance is, to borrow a useful term from Dungeons & Dragons, chaotic evil, and I can't blame you if you've wearied of that perspective. But at his very worst, he's still capable of astonishing sensitivity, and at any rate he's hardly more scurrilous than Eminem is. I urge you all to give Get Rich Or Die Tryin' another chance.
Hoary old bastard who should spare us all and retire:
This category was invented years ago for Rod Stewart (not that there was ever any chance), but Critics Poll voters were far more interested in banishing Sting. Rod got his votes, though.
Young upstart who should be sent down to the minors for more seasoning:
Ryan Adams, in a thumping consensus equalled only by the "Hey Ya!" landslide. Adams isn't exactly young, but I think it's safe to call him a little juvenile. Abusing Jim DeRogatis earns a trip back to the bushes. And then there are his songs....
Biggest trend of 2004:
In your words.
Jeffrey Norman: "Porn sites with iPods as accessories".
Dave Urbano: "Wearing PJs as pants."
Oliver Lyons: "Basketball stadium songs like 'The Train' and 'Tootsie Roll' will come back." (let's hope).
El Rey: "Hey kids, it's 1981-83 all over again! Zzzz. Girls, take the fucking Rickie Lee Jones hats off, and boys, shave those nasty-ass beards. And yes, you do need a bass player."
Milton: "The big trend next year will be paper-thin 'I want to be a star' crap. Just like this year."
Brian Block: "Communist electro-polka."
Anna Howe: "Can our culture get any more gay?"
Additional comments from the peanut gallery:
Chris Pierson: "The worst was the song on Queer Eye where the backup singer wrote a song for his wife to play at his gig. Worst song ever written, even worse than I Can't Dance by Genesis, which used to hold the title."
Paula Carino: "I was surprised not to hate the Strokes second album, and by how many neat soundtracks there were this year (Whale Rider, Belleville, Lost In Translation, etc.)"
Stephen Mejias: "Sorry about all the 'Hey Ya's, but what're you going to do? Got it just don't get it 'til there's nothing at all...."
Jeff Norman: (on artist who'll still be putting out good records in 2013) "Tupac, if record companies have anything to say about it."
Jens Thuro Carstensen: "The only thing that matters, what with IPOD and file-sharing and all that crap, are singles. Also, am I wrong in calling the 2nd Strokes record and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs full-length flops? Because they felt like flops. Linkin Park ranked #3 in records sold this year. NYC rock is dead before it was even alive. Ah well."
Jim Testa: "Best career move: Justin Timberlake going solo. Worst career move: JC Chasez going solo." (funny, Jim, I liked the Chasez song better).
Jesse Fuchs: "The future belongs to the extremes; either utter disembodiment, or fetishistically replete objects. Which puts music about five years behind the curve of indie comics."
Thanks, everybody, for voting, reading, and commenting.
Check out the album results here:
Check out the singles results here:
Check out my own Best of 2004 ballot:
Read the postscript:
Critics poll winners over the years:
I know that there's this side of you that wants to grab the yoke right from the pilot and e-mail me.
